Staying Connected in 2020: Why I’ve Made Family Dinners a Tradition
When I was young, I remember family dinners vividly. All of our family gatherings were structured around food. My mom would invite her friends over, light up charcoal grills, and sit around the table rolling grape leaves, building a Syrian feast from scratch. Falafel, hummus, baked pasta, stuffed grape leaves, tabouli, kabobs. Putting love and life into each ingredient while she laughed and smoked cigarettes, always making more than enough for all the families.
These experiences are what instilled in me a reverence for the process of food preparation and enjoyment of a good home cooked meal. These memories have stayed with me for a lifetime, and perhaps you can relate.
Whether or not you enjoyed a Syrian feast or microwave dinners, there’s something really special about ending the day around a big table eating dinner as a family.
But the sad truth is, regardless of how much you might love the idea of family meals, the reality of trying to schedule around homework, sports, social life, and the remnant ingredients in your fridge is reason enough to feel discouraged and give up before you even get started.
For better or for worse, quarantine took routine and flipped it on its head. And while this is nothing to celebrate on its own, it has made having family dinners so much more possible, and (dare I say) more important than ever.
In this blog, I’ll talk about why I believe family dinners are so important. I hope you’ll follow along and feel inspired to make family dinners a tradition that keeps your family connected during quarantine (and beyond).
I can still remember the commotion. The chatter around an open grill, the bellowing laughter, the sound of knives thumping on our worn wooden cutting boards. The sound of tiny feet stampeding through the kitchen. And when I really focus, I can still hear the voices of my siblings and me whining for Taco Bell and McDonalds. We were truly pathetic. It was so messed up on so many levels. But the memory still makes me smile as I realize that even our lack of gratitude couldn’t keep my mom from giving us a labor-intensive, beautiful meal, and memories I will cherish for a lifetime.
I remember the good, the bad, and the ugly every time life gets in the way and family dinners get pushed aside. Thankfully, quarantine has reestablished this value in my home. In the last 3 months, we’ve eaten together a lot more. Family dinners have become an intentional experience; we make things from scratch, explore cuisines, bust out cookware that’s been collecting dust (like our beloved wok). We’ve even made a weekly tradition of Sunday Night Homemade Pizza.
Even when I’m met with resistance, I know that I’m giving my kids lasting memories that they’ll look back on fondly.
With social media, Netflix on demand, and a billion unnamed distractions at your fingertips, the art of conversation is easily set to the wayside. But in the wake of a global pandemic and this powerful resurgence of the Black Lives Matter movement, having real conversations with your loved ones is more important than ever.
Life is hard right now, people feel alone, confused, and discouraged. It’s so important to me to not let what’s happening in the world carve space in my home. Family dinners have helped my family reflect, grieve, and connect on a deeper level. This kind of openness doesn’t just happen, it takes a concerted effort to hold space for one another and build family conversations into your daily routine. The tradition of family dinners has paved the way for conversation, and has allowed me to be there for my kids as they process the weight of the world and all the messages they’re hearing.
If you’re struggling to know how to get tough dinnertime conversations started, here are a few tips:
Be Present
I have teenagers so I’m no stranger to cell phones around the table. During family dinners, I have a rule that phones can be nearby, but they have to be put on silent. It’s polite, it’s realistic, and it works for us. 23 hours of the day can be spent communicating with other people, I don’t think it’s too much to ask to set aside 1 hour to chat with the family.
Create a Safe Space
Make it known that you value honesty above all else, and you are all there to learn from one another. Make it clear they can feel something today and another thing tomorrow and that’s ok. What’s most important is that they’re staying humble and learning.
Don’t be afraid to dive into tough topics. Here are a few prompts to help you talk about racism and COVID-19:
“What do you think about what’s happening with the Black Lives Matter movement?”
“You weren’t able to end the school year with your friends - Let’s talk about it. I can imagine that’s disappointing.”
“Is there anything you’re confused or scared about?”
“Why do you think other people feel that way?”
“Help me understand why you feel that way”
“What’s something new you’ve learned this week?”
“What’s something you’re sad about right now?”
“What’s something you’re grateful for right now?”
Some other great ways to prompt conversations about race are to:
Watch a movie together with black leads and talk about it over dinner.
Buy age-appropriate books by black authors for each kid and ask them to take turns telling the family about their book over dinner. (Note: Buy from black owned bookstores - here’s a short list.)
Make an Action Plan
It’s easy to feel helpless or confused during this time. I’ve seen a lot of posts akin to, “you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t, so what’s the point?” but I don’t believe giving up is the answer. There’s always something you can do to be the change you wish to see. Encourage your family to get out from behind their computer screens and come up with ways to take action.
Ask open ended questions like:
“What is one action we can take this week to help the people who need us most?”
“What would make you feel excited about this summer, even though we’re in quarantine?”
I’m no family psychologist, but I do believe the best way to stay connected and foster a learning environment in your home is to keep the line of communication open and encourage potentially uncomfortable conversations.
“Tough conversations are always made a little better if you can have them over a beautiful dinner, I stand by that.”
Perhaps my favorite part of family dinners is the collaborative effort that goes into making dinner. Don’t get me wrong, some days I’m entirely on my own, but even then, I have one rule that makes even those nights a collaborative effort:
The chef never cleans up.
Let’s be real, cleaning a fork is a small price to pay for a mind-blowing, mouth-watering, 3 michelin star, once-in-a-lifetime meal ( ...if I do say so myself 🙂)
I have a lot of fun making family dinners into a true event. Meals were such a rich experience for me growing up, that I want my kids to have a similar connection to food. Before I start cooking, I’ll bounce a few ideas around and give them a chance to weigh in. Oftentimes, I’ll have something in mind based on what I found at the store, or I’ll make a game out of building a meal out of random things in my fridge when they complain that we’re out of food.
Voila! TACO PASTA! Eat your heart out, kid!
When the table is set and the food is out on the table in all its glory, I take a little time to explain the dish as I would if I were a chef in a fancy restaurant. Describing the steps and all the attention that went into making the meal helps them feel connected to it. Finally, I remind them to ‘eat with your eyes, your mind, then your mouth’, and the rest is history.
I’m proud to say my kids really appreciate food, and I’d like to think my pre-meal ritual has a little something to do with it.
Oh and before you jump to conclusions, we do order takeout sometimes (I’m only human, after all) and that’s always a collaborative effort, for better or worse… (Okay, who am I kidding - it’s the actual worst - no one can EVER agree).
All this to say, family dinner is my JAM. It’s one simple ritual that’s kept us connected and communicating throughout the craziest year of our lives. As much as I’m a die-hard believer in family dinners, there are other ways to weave family time into your daily life. If you’ve made it this far and you’re not convinced family dinners are for you, maybe family game nights or weekly family hikes are more your speed.
Whatever works for you, pair it with good food and good conversation and you have my full support.